Somebody said, “You’ll be fine because I know you’re too strong to deal with all that.” So I was like.. “I don’t think I am still strong, I must be just numb.” I thought I was all numb to ignore all the dramas in my life. I am not making my PMS an excuse but I just felt like I hardly trust anybody to give me a warm company after seeing the initial reaction on whoever is present during my agony and is not willing to deal with and don’t care to empathize but is willing to fake that they do care. Well, I guess I’ll be better trusting my own and warm myself by leaning on the cold wall and tempering it with my body temperature till it’s warm enough so I could lean and cry the longer that I want.
There are a lot of things that I am thankful about in my life… that I am complete, I meant of my body parts, my senses are working really well and my brain is capable of doing what I know is good that I know I could think of doing what I know would help me despite the things that I am not complete of.
I thought I’d be able to carry on, I thought I could endure the struggles, I thought I could keep up, I thought I could still continue and could still do whatever it takes to sustain the goal of why I am here. But, the longer I am living the way I have been, I realized too much that I thought I would still be able to handle because a lot of them because they believed that I am strong enough that is why I have gone too far and been doing so well, doing a great and incredible things in my life. I thought I could handle being still responsible for something that I have started. I thought I am intelligent and wise enough to provide solutions to every tiny bit circumstances that approaches my way. I thought I am old enough to deal with the stuff that is bigger than I am. That I forgot to think that I need to live a normal life that is pretty normal for my age. That I forgot to be innocent sometimes because I forced to understand things which I supposed to just let go of. I forgot that I should be learning more things I don’t know little by little but creating a ridiculous way of clogging the little path of how I think out about little things. That I am not supposed to be doing things I have been doing but my initiative act is willing to volunteer because that’s what my thought is eager to do because that’s how it was raised and taught.
Custom, culture, house rule, home beliefs have resulted in all the thoughts of following imaginary commands that I didn’t know destroying me bit by bit. Oh, by the way, I am so thankful for my company tonight. Having my pen and paper is the best company in the world because they hear you out without talking back and zero judgment of all the contents of your thought even if they’re pointless. Not dictating me what I must do but just let me freely express myself to it. They listen no matter how long my never-ending words are or not having any periods to complete a sentence at all, because of the overlapping compound, complex, phrases of thoughts in my head. They help me simplify them by telling me that I still have a choice to continue writing or just simply delete the rest of the thoughts.
Ok! I won’t wait ’till I just blame everybody that I know that I still have the choice because I have been dealing with the stressor choosing “just doing something” over my passion. That I have a choice of cutting out my illusions on being a fake trying hard hero because me myself needs a miracle and a hero. Saving others without thinking that I need it myself. That I have a choice to stop torturing myself but to just chill and look at the ocean whenever I want to. That in the first place, I have had the choice of expressing what my dreams are all about and stating nobody has the right to intervene and discourage me from going after that. That we have a choice of not entering a commitment if we are too coward of moving for a huge step forward and too coward to offer whatever it takes for the sake of unconditional love. That we have a choice if we want to hurt ourselves once or torturing our entire self for a lifetime. That we have a choice of giving somebody a choice by being straightforward stating our own choice. That we have a choice if we choose to live but not feeling alive at all or to die in peace and eternal happiness and worry-free. That we have a choice if we would be good or the worst person giving every person in the world no opportunity of having a choice or options to choose from. Now I won’t force myself to understand if I need to choose now or later even if there’s only now or never.